What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 07:40
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But it wasn’t much.
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I couldn’t, believe it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Have you ever regretted not hitting on a older women?
He knew the spot.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Comes on , in middle age.
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I was very sick at this time too.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
What does it feel like when a guy cums in your ass?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Which document should be pointed out to a holocaust denier?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
It was going to be , some day.
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why are people becoming increasingly hostile to pro-lifers? I am pro-life.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I could never make a relationship work though!
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
What causes you to be tired all the time and major headaches?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
One cannot live in the past .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She wouldn,t have been !
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why did i forgive my father ?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Have you ever accidentally seen your mother-in-law doing something that was private to her?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
What did i know ?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
This is soul school!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
All the time i was locked up.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Put me off passion for life!!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But ive been too sick for many years..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was scared of men, in general
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I waited trembling.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I have no regrets .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Would this be the day?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As i do to all so called friends.?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I don,t even have a pension.
My life is so biszare .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She loved him until the end.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She married twice! .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im still living with it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Ive learnt so much.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My family never makes their pension either.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But, we were locked up after school.
We all went to grammer schools
(And it was in our own minds.)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She was in good health!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I write beautiful poetry .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
When she asked me how she looked .
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was seconnd youngest,
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
So, i spoilt her more .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Who then, do I blame.?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And i lived it daily.
She found it foreign!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Especially a lifetime of it.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I will be 64.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im dying but, im not bitter.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was 9 years of age.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
So whats the point in blame.
We were not on the streets..
I think the readers, may guess!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I said to her
I never cut or harmed myself..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.